Zendo Oops: From bad to worse and beyond...

Have fun with these - I thought I would lighten things up a bit. The "bad" category are all true occurances while the other categories are usually what I thought about immediately after the "oops" that kept me laughing for most of the sitting period.

I previously put these out as tweets.

Zendo Oops #1:

• Bad: Setting Hair on fire while opening altar.


• Worse: Setting hair on fire while opening altar and spontaneously screaming "Jesus Monkey F#ck Christ!"


• Beyond: Eating the altar.
  
  

Zendo Oops #2:

• Bad: Sucking on Jolly Racher during Zazen and having red drool come out of your mouth.


• Worse: Sucking on Jolly Rancher, having the red drool and then pretending to be a zombie during kinhin.


• Beyond: After zazen and kinhin with the red drool and zombie-walking - Screaming "Brrraaaaiiiinnnsssss!" repeatadly during the Heart Sutra.

Zendo Oops #3:

• Bad: Having your fly open during dokusan.


• Worse: Noticing that you fly is open and mention to Roshi that you think you just peaked into your "Buddha Nature"


• Beyond: Pretending your "Buddha-Nature" is a Keisaku and repeatedly striking practitioners for not paying attention.

Zendo Oops #4:

• Bad: Farting, at any time, in the zendo is pretty bad.


• Worse: Farting in rhythm to the Mokugyu during any chanting service or whenever suffering is mentioned.


• Beyond: Blaming it on Roshi and yelling "KATSU!"

Zendo Oops #5:

• Bad: Cracking jokes during Dharma talk.


• Worse: Joking about crack during Dharma Talks.


• Beyond: All of the above and then taking a hit.

Zendo Oops #6

• Bad: Punctuating any conversation in a zendo or during dokusan with "F#ck Yeah!"


• Worse: Follow it up with a "Dead-Arm" punch to the shoulder.


• Beyond: Have a deep conversation with the Buddha statue and then stare at everyone suspiciously.

Last Zendo Ooops:

• Bad: Dead leg after zazen and doing zombie walk kinhin *step, ddrraaaggg, step dddrrrraaaaagggg*


• Worse: Eating another Jolly Rancher and repeating Zendo Oops #2.


• Beyond: Giving the person in front of you a "Flat Tire" and then staring at them like they're the asshole.
  

Zendo Oops Bonus:

• Bad: Sharing aride to sesshin and singing "108 bottles of beer on the wall, 108 bottle of beer, take one down pass it around and into Buddhist hell you go!" for the entire ride.


• Worse: Actually drinking 108 bottles of beer on the way to sesshin.


• Beyond: The horrible beer farts during zazen the next day coupled with the hideous "Hotei's Log" you left as a present in the zendo's "Room of Thinking".

Cheers,